832pm // hehehe // ---

home home home... i love being home.. even though no one else is home. i wish i could come home more often
tomorrow...: SF! yaaay! ^_________^

833pm

517pm // oh my bob... // ---

you are such a freaking hypocrite!! don't freaking get mad at me, telling me i need to be more freaking patient. you're one to talk. how often are yooou the one being patient? don't tell me to do something that you yourself cannot do. don't act like you're better than me, cuz you're not. go ahead and ignore me, tell yourself that you are better than me. but you know just as well as i do, that you are no better than me. because if you were, you wouldn't be acting as childish as you are now. go ahead and tell the world that you are doing fine. act as if nothing can touch you, and that you are above the rest of us. but don't expect me to respect you, when your actions tell me exactly who you are. you tell me i'm wrong. well so are you. you are doing the exact same thing i am doing, and you've always done it. you yell and get angry and hold grudges for no good reason. and you are one of the most impatient people i know when it comes to dealing with people. don't freaking tell me to stop being angry, when you yourself can't do the same. stop lying to yourself, telling yourself you're in the right, when clearly, you are in the wrong.

this is part of the reason i hesitate coming home. because of you. sad to say. you would think i'd feel comfortable being here, and i'd want to be here. but no, because of you, i cant wait to grow up, and i can't wait to get out. sad to say. i always feel like i sound bratty, and simply unappreciatative.. but really you just don't understand me do you? because if you did, you might just think twice about how you react to me, and actually think about what you say to me before you say it. you don't think about how the things you say are going to affect me, and maybe you need to just be a little more supportive. i try my best to push it aside, and be the better grown up, but i have quite a bit of growing up to do before that. i could say the same about you. i hope you grow up soon, before it's too late. i hope you grow up, before you push me far enough away, that i won't want to come home anymore. i really do hope that, for both of us.

533pm

437pm // 3 down, 2 to go // this girl - nikki flores

just the other day, while i was washing my dishes no less, i realized something... throughout my life i do things with the best intentions in mind. i try my hardest to do my best, and to make sure everything turns out good for everyone involved. it's always a good feeling knowing you did something for someone, and things turned out exactly how you wanted. unfortunately, life isn't like that all the time. more often than not, i find even with my best intentions in mind, things just don't turn out how i had orginally envisioned them to be.

even with the best intentions in mind, things don't always turn out the way you expect.

and it's not this is necessarily a bad thing either. iiit may be good, cuz then that's how you learn. you can keep the same intentions, and just try something different the next time around. you learn what works and what doesn't. at least, hopefully you learn from it. and as for me, i'm slowly learning what it means to let go. --- and i know, people have a lot of assumptions about me, and think that they know me. but i find that even the people who are the closest to me, don't really know me. maybe part of it is me not letting people in, but i also feel like most people i know don't really invest the effort to know someone in that way. (i would include myself in this also)

so i guess that's why the hardest part about life for me, is losing a friend. --- a real friend. --- not just someone i happen to know, and someone i hung out with. but someone who really knows me. it just so happened the other day, i was talking with a group of people who bluntly stated "calandra is sheltered like that." i've noticed, many people have this view of me, and i don't blame them. there are certain things i don't necessarily know about, and have never been apart of. nor do i plan to be a part of it. but that doesn't mean i haven't seen a lot of things. i've always been one to learn from other people, and learn what not to do because i've seen it happen to other people. in that respect, i actually know a lot of things, even though i haven't participated in it myself. i know what the world is like. but i guess most people don't see me in that light. and because of that there are few people who really know this part about me, there are few people i consider real friends... it seems most people only assume they can figure me out. actually, i think i'm sorta complicated to figure out. i guess you could say there's more to me than meets the eye.

and that's why it's hard for me to let go. because i don't want to lose the few people i actually believe know me. it hurts to think that those who i let into my life, have to leave eventually. but, so goes life. i know that. i guess i'll just have to keep searching for those people  who won't leave me.. haha

the story continues...
she slides down the wall while watching books and pages fall to the ground. she looks to the left and kicks a pile of neatly organized papers, covering the flor in front of her. she holds her head in her hands and revisualizes the evens of the last hour or so. she can see herself patiently replacing her books in her bookshelf, while wipping tears from her eyes. but as she finishes one shelf, fustration overtakes her and she pushes over everything she just accomplished. she feels as if she just can't get ahead.

the morning light glared through the large windowns. she rolls over a pile of books to stare at the clock next to her head - 10 o'clock. she props herself onto her elbows and looks around. the room is still in as big of a mess  as she had left it, before she fell asleep on the cold floor of her room. as she pulls herself off the floor and glances out the window at her neighborhood street, she sees a small crowd ofpeople gathered in her front yard. they had been watching her tear her room apart. the neighborhood began taking shifts, waching her theatrics throughout the last few weeks, and curous eyes lingered as they waited to see if she would ever find what she was looking for. annoyed, she walked to the window, glared at the crowd, and shut the curtains. don't they have anything else better to do with their lives? she turned her back to the now closed window, irratated by onlookers, and wishes they would just leae her alone. multiple times throughout her various episodes different people have come knocking on her door, or ringing her doorbell, wondering if they could help. how could they possibly help? they don't know what i'm looking for! I don't even know what i'm looking for. fustrated with people's useless attempts of aid, and the pathetic observations for the people she's forced to be surrounded by, she forces herself to gather the energy to continue searching - just to end the stupid meddling of people she could care less about.

with each passing day, the mess becomes more organized as she eliminates areas where she knows whatever it is she is looking for, could not be there. i suppose eliminating these areas is a start still she needs to figure out what exactly is that thing that she so desperately needs to find, or else this entire episode would be for nothing...

 510pm